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Old 27 Mar 19, 08:42 PM  
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#101
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Originally Posted by taylaboo View Post
Hoping it works out for you and looking forward to the next instalment.
cheers, I'm on it now

Originally Posted by Pez01 View Post
Most importantly I do hope you are both ok. Secondly I do hope you get to enjoy your trip and it goes ahead.
thanks Pez we really are both ok Just a little too much going on at the moment. Smart money at the moment is that we could end up still going to Orlando at the same time but for a different type of break but either unchanged or a complete cancellation are both still possibilities. Time will tell

Gotta get into character as Harry now
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Old 27 Mar 19, 10:01 PM  
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Quick update first on holiday prep taking in just before it was so rudely interrupted by real life. We’d got everything booked - flights, seats, hotel, car, annual leave and I had a small deposit down on Universal park tickets plus as you’ve seen a full plan for restaurants albeit with nothing actually booked this time so we could wing it.

I also finally have one of these as a long awaited Xmas/birthday present so that I can swan around on rides and in the pool like what those vloggers, sorry...social media influencers do.



This will be essential for dining report action shots. Now originally I’d thought GP stood for gravy-proof but actually it means GoPro and while it’s waterproof to (fails to find manual or google it)...many metres, the ability of this particular device to withstand the inevitable splashback from hot foodstuffs is as yet largely unexplored Expect to see the results of a trial immersion in a few inches of thoroughly heated Heinz Cream of Chicken within the next couple of weeks (in the event that the trip is on).

Aside from that it’s been the usual stuff, way too much work going on, thinking about switching a breakfast to Bob Evans , at the same time trying to not think about Orlando foods so I can lose a couple more pounds etc. etc. And hero worshipping the man on the right too of course


But more Harry is long overdue

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4 - Gandersnatch!


"Gandersnatch is the number one sport in the wizarding world. Two teams of 8 broom-mounted wizards face off against each other in the battle to catch a golden egg laid by a goose which flies around an oval pitch.

The most important player in every team is the Seekum, usually the fastest and most skilful flyer. This player must catch a golden egg laid by the goose before it falls and breaks on the concrete floor. Catching the egg unbroken ends the game and only the Seekum is allowed to catch it. The other seven players are known as Gobblers. They fly around and hit each other (and occasionally the ref) with roasted turkey legs while trying to block, stun or otherwise put off the Seekums.

At the end of the game the losing Gobblers must eat the turkey legs of the winning team. This is especially disgusting because while they’re sometimes covered in blood, they are still turkey legs."



Harry was late for work. He raised his pace to a brisk waddle as he got off the bus and headed toward the stadium. Fifteen minutes to kick-off, Voldemort is going to kill me he thought as he turned the corner and pushed through the crowds underneath the giant sign which proclaimed

GANDERSNATCH 6 NATIONS - Title decider today Wales v Ireland!

Now obviously Harry wasn’t playing. His dreams of playing Seekum at a high level were cruelly dashed when even a whole roll of duct tape could no longer hold 3 brooms together for long enough for him to fly across the pitch. Still, occasionally when he drifted off working at the stadium he imagined they were singing his name. ‘One Harry Seekum, there’s only one Harry Seekum’ ()

Harry now earned a little money on matchdays working at Greg’s Magical Meat Tubes, a small kiosk which was an offshoot of Greg’s, Copious Purveyors of Baked Goods since 1983. Founded by Greg 'Lard' Voldemort, Europe's largest pig farmer in every sense of the word, this specialist in lard based products had swept the nation, with magical meat tubes and lard iced rings the biggest sellers

As a copious consumer of baked goods since about 1993, this was a dream job for Harry. Today however he was late and knowing that Lard was bound to be at the game, (and would pop down at least once to test a Magical Meat Tube) his job was on the line Lard ruled with a flabby yet iron fist. His habit of firing anyone who called him by his nickname and sensitivity over his enormous weight led to the alternative description 'he who shall not be fat shamed' among staff and the nation as a whole.

Pushing through the staff entrance, Harry grabbed his apron and legged it across to the stand. Thankfully there was a new Twisted Potato cart next to his and no-one had started shouting for Magical Meat Tubes just yet. He cracked open a Sweet Lardade from the fridge and got to work.


“And as we reach half time Wales are absolutely pummelling Ireland here. No sign of a golden snatch just yet but the Irish Seekum has been off twice. Once for a head injury and then again for a new broomstick. The Lardade is flowing like the game’s already won here in Cardiff.”


‘Get us a meat tube will you Porker.’ The female voice was shrill, as if the owner had been shouting through the first half. But there's no need to be rude Harry thought

He took extra time making the tube. A squeeze of warm meatish paste from the extrusion pipe into a pastry tube (and not another squeeze into his mouth this time, never while the customer's watching). Then a dollop of lard each end to prevent the filling separating, slide it into a paper sleeve and hand it over.

‘Two dollars’ he grunted as he looked up and thrust the newly constructed Magical Meat Tube towards the shrill girl.

‘That’s not very friendly is it Harry’ the girl said
‘Oh crap Hermione, I didn’t realise it was you. Your voice is all shrieky.’
‘Witching shriek spell. Helps with the protest today.’ She pointed at her chest where the words Call a Goose a Goose, say no to Gandersnatch! were written in large letters.

Harry struggled to read the text but he knew the protest. He agreed it made no sense for the clearly female goose laying eggs to be misogynistically described as a Gander.

‘Right on Herms. Down with the Gander, Goose all the way. No charge, this one’s on old Lardars…’

‘PORKER!’

Uh oh thought Harry as a podgy fist grabbed his shoulder from behind.

‘Oh hello Mr Voldemort’ he squeaked as a large pink arm pulled him backwards.

‘Porker I came down for a tube in the warm up and your stand was closed. You eat more than you sell, you are so fired you useless little get. I’d squeeze you down for meat tubes and give them away free but there’s only 80,000 here today and we’d have too many left over. NOW GET OUT!’

As Harry trudged wearily from the stadium he could hear Hermione among the witches voices in the distance. “No more Gandersnatch. Gooses Eggs from Gooses Legs. Goosesnatch, GOOOOOSESNATCH!”

A roar from the crowd, well at least Wales were winning. But Harry had lost his job. The job which was going to pay for his trip to The Universal School of Gluttony. A job which paid him the magical minimum wage of $2.65 per hour on a four hour match shift. Harry spent $3 on his bus tickets (after young wizard discount), usually another $6 on meat tubes during breaks (when one of Lards goons was watching the meat pipe) and finally $3 on a sweet lardade for the bus home.

Years later a financial advisor would spend over an hour trying to explain to Harry that he made a loss on this job week in week out.

‘One Harry Seekum, there’s only one Harry Seekum’ Harry hummed to himself as he waddled sadly towards the bus.

Edited at 03:38 PM.
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Old 27 Mar 19, 10:10 PM  
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Ah... am I reading this as you’ve suffered the same fate as Harry?
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Old 27 Mar 19, 10:13 PM  
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Originally Posted by Pez01 View Post
Ah... am I reading this as you’ve suffered the same fate as Harry?
While it is semi-autobiographical, thankfully no - we both still have jobs at least as far as I know touch wood. Harry on the other hand is gutted
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Old 27 Mar 19, 10:20 PM  
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Oh good ... I feel a bit sorry for Harry though ... he should have bagged a few of those lard treats on his way out...
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Old 27 Mar 19, 10:22 PM  
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#106
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Originally Posted by Pez01 View Post
Oh good ... I feel a bit sorry for Harry though ... he should have bagged a few of those lard treats on his way out...
lol don't worry he's had more than his fair share of Greg's profits over the last few years and as the numbers prove he was losing money on the job
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Scream if you want to go Fatter! (2018) This report contains images some dieters may find distressing!
The 12 Days of Easter (2015) Rumoured to contain up to one good joke. Let me know if you find it
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Old 27 Mar 19, 11:53 PM  
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Who'd be without a Greggs pasty?
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Old 28 Mar 19, 08:46 AM  
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Originally Posted by theCMG View Post
Please, it's Greg's DP. Any resemblance to other businesses real or fictional is entirely coincidental. Not had breakfast yet, I could just do a magical meat tube

Thanks for reading!
Oh yes, what was I thinking! On a side note a "magical meat tube", well it just doesn't sound right
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Old 28 Mar 19, 09:05 AM  
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Originally Posted by Disney Planning View Post
Oh yes, what was I thinking! On a side note a "magical meat tube", well it just doesn't sound right
Good point, I've tried to avoid innuendo in the story but that one must have slipped in
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Scream if you want to go Fatter! (2018) This report contains images some dieters may find distressing!
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Old 28 Mar 19, 09:34 AM  
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Originally Posted by theCMG View Post
Good point, I've tried to avoid innuendo in the story but that one must have slipped in
I love a good innuendo! 😂 😉

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